Relationship rocky due to Neurotransmitters fluctuating???
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Anonymous
Hello,
This site is amazing. I'm so glad I found it. I would like to get your opinion on something. I've been over-masterbating since my early teens and doing it a least once a day, sometimes three times or more... although now that I'm much older only once a day, usually at night to help me fall asleep.
I've always had obessive sexual thoughts and was very sexual with my girlfriends. (we had sex everyday, sometimes two or more times) but these relationships never really had any substance - just sex, nothing much else in common, and the girls didn't treat me very well. I also thought about sex all the time and had fantasies about having sex with all sorts of women. At this time I had never loved anyone.
Then one day I met a girl who was cute but didn't have much sex appeal as she was very innocent and a virgin. I wasn't very attractive to her, but she was so nice and made me laugh and we had a lot in common. (liked the same food, movies, values..etc) We could talk for hours and I really enjoyed her company and had never experienced that before. We started to hang out and she wanted to be more than friends but I didn't because the physical attaction wasn't enough. (she didn't exuded a great amount of sex appeal and therefor wasn't doing it for me at the time, but maybe that was because I was watching porn and thinking sexual thoughts) I continued being her friend while having sex with an ex-girlfriend who treated me like shit and wasn't very nice. It didn't take long before I dumped my ex and focused solo on my friendship with the new girl.
About three months passed and we finally had sex and it was okay, but I really got along with her and enjoyed her company. I started to love her for who she was and started enjoying the sex somewhat, but it wasn't sensual or dirty which is what I was use to. But I didn't want to lose her because she had become like my best friend. It got to the point were the relationship was going good and the sex was okay but the fun and laughs were enough to make it all worth while. We eventually got married and were pretty much happy. (only thing that was lacking was the sex was lacing a spark)
BUT -- all through the years while being with her I still continued to masterbate at night before I went to sleep and sometimes during the day while fantising about other women and doing hardcore sexual things.)
As more time passed she wasn't doing it for me at all but I loved her.. it was like my dopamine or something was demading more stimulant. I was looking at porn and eyeing all the women that would pass me on the street and I would think dirty sexual thoughts about them and then masterbate. As long as I was doing this I was happy. When I stopped doing this I would be cranky, mean, and lash out.
My question to you is... my wife treats me so good, she does some many great things for me, and she's my best friend, but sometimes I feel like there isn't any passion, yet sometimes when we make love it's good... You would think when two people get along and make each other laugh and have everything in common that the relationship would be strong, but if so, then why am I always looking at porn and other women?
After reading your site and a few other articles about dopamine, I now think that maybe I'm addicted to dopamine and my addiction his looking to get the big HIT it needs but I'm not getting it from my wife.. so I'm looking elsewhere. (porn, fantasy) I've got all sorts of sexual exhaustion symtoms (weak erection, premature ejaculation, anxiety, memory troubles) So I decided to quit masterbating and fix those things and take the vitamians you have been telling people in my situation to take. After two weeks I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. I look at my wife and it's like I hate her one moment, and then love her the next. I think my brain chemicals are going bonkers or my dopamine is so low that I'm like a drug addict needing a hit... but my thoughts right are that maybe I'm feeling depressed because I'm not happy with my wife, but then I think but she is so wonderful and treats me so good... maybe the REAL problem is that my addiction to dopamine is telling I don't want my wife, that she is the problam so that i will go out meet a new girl who will then for me meantime shoot up my dopamine levels.
I've always been confused to why I wouldn't be happy with a woman who is everything I ever wanted execpt very sexual. It's not like she doesn't have sex with me.. just not fullfilling my need for heavy duty passion or sexual stimulant. But am I only craving new sex from other women and passion from other women because I'm addicated to high dopamine levels? I don't want to lose my best friend, but I also am craving passionate love making -- but maybe I can't EVER get that from anyone unless a kick my dopamine addiction.
I would love to read your thoughts.
thank you kindly.
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Reply
Thanks for sharing your story!
As for the questions - your disharmonious feelings are because of the constant ups and downs of the neurotransmitters and hormones responsible for them. Let's see what is happening here:
You've got it right. The porn and masturbation addiction leads to altered brain reward circuitry. Generally speaking if something is boosting your dopamine levels it is addictive to you, it doesn't matter if it is porn, sex, masturbation, video games, driving your new car, eating sugar and so on.. Masturbation or sex at first boosts up your dopamine levels through the dopamine-norepinephrine-epinephrine conversion and later lowers them because of the excessive prolactin release. This is a very unhealthy fluctation that will leave you with all sorts of messed up feelings.
Low dopamine levels will leave you: depressed, with low libido, with anti-social behavior, lack of ambition, and inability to feel love. While high levels will make you anxious, a risk taker, aggressive, and psychotic. The key is having normal levels that will promote: a healthy libido, friendly feelings towards others, strong logic, healthy ambition, and healthy bonding to your activities.
The orgasm is a huge dopamine blast for our brains, not that different from the one that the cocaine or other drugs promote. An extremely high levels of dopamine will promote extremely high levels of prolactin, so you will suffer a hangover the next weeks, that will shift your perception for the reality itself, and leave you empty, with messed up feelings.
Currently you are experiencing a weak dopamine surge from your wife(you never had a strong surge in the first place, but even if you did this would have been the possible outcome), so she doesn't look to you that rewarding as the other girls and porn.
However, you have a bond with your wife through other hormones, such as oxytocin. Oxytocin is responsible for the feeling of comfort and love for your partner. Generally speaking the dopamine is the lust, and the oxytocin is the affection. You need balanced levels of both dopamine and oxytocin to stay in love. As you can observe for yourself, you are not very happy that you are not getting the dopamine shot from your wife.
Any heavy dopamine addiction will also cause oxytocin fluctations, that is why you may feel extremely confused - you hate her, you love her. Since you suffer from other symptoms of sexual exhaustion the problem is obvious. You have several symptoms of sexual exhaustion which is an indication that the modulation has been blown and is no longer capable of keeping normal levels of certain stress and inflammatory hormones. An altered reward circuit can be very devastating, so you should restore the proper nervous modulation on your hormonal and nts levels, promote prostaglandins E1 E3 and NO for healing, jump start your CNS, androgen hormones production, and avoid any strong dopamine shots.
In time your brain reward circuitry will restore, so you will feel nearly the same dopamine satisfaction from just a regular sensual sex.
thanks for your help. Is it
thanks for your help.
Is it possible when I met my wife that because I was watching porn, over masterbating and having lasivious sex with others that there was no way ANY nice, virgin girl with good morals was going to turn me on?
Also, any thing I can take to impove the thing you mentioned:
"Any heavy dopamine addiction will also cause oxytocin fluctations, that is why you may feel extremely confused - you hate her, you love her. Since you suffer from other symptoms of sexual exhaustion the problem is obvious. You have several symptoms of sexual exhaustion which is an indication that the modulation has been blown and is no longer capable of keeping normal levels of certain stress and inflammatory hormones. An altered reward circuit can be very devastating, so you should restore the proper nervous modulation on your hormonal and nts levels, promote prostaglandins E1 E3 and NO for healing, jump start your CNS, androgen hormones production, and avoid any strong dopamine shots"
Reply
Is it possible, but sexual attraction is a complicated process and is driven by many factors. Your subconscious mind may have never approved your life as a mating partner, it has its own criteria, but can be altered as well.
There is - you should:
1. Discontinue any sexual activities for some time(around 2 months), even with your wife
2. Balance your diet and better your lifestyle
3. Take frequent massages to promote blood flow
4. Promote prostaglandins E1 E3 and NO for healing.
5. Check your testosterone levels and if they are 300ng/dl you will have difficulties restoring proper testicular function. If so I suggest not to use external sources, but make your own organism produce.
testosterone
thanks for all the advice. I already feel stronger after only five days.
What is a normal testosterone level? Anything over 300ng/dl?
one more question...
As you can imagine, stopping sexual activity is very hard when you've been doing it for a long time. If one gets an errection and strokes it a few times and realizes "oh shoot, I'm not suppose to do this" is it better just to stop, or is it better to ejaculate? (and start all over at day 1 again)
Reply
Yes, total and free testosterone levels should be measured.
It's almost always a good idea to just stop. However, for prolonged sessions (more than 25-30 minutes) you should ejaculate.
Clomiphene
If my test is under 300ng then I need to take Clomiphene to naturally boost it up? How many days and how many pills of Clomiphene?
Reply
Most probably you will be fine. Check it just in case. If around or under 300ng you may take 50mg 10 days and 25mg the next 10. This should do the trick.
If my test is under 300ng then I need to take Clomiphene to naturally boost it up? How many days and how many pills of Clomiphene?
got my test back and my free
got my test back and my free testosterone was 398 -- is that okay? I think the regular testosterone was 20.2.
Reply
got my test back and my free testosterone was 398 -- is that okay? I think the regular testosterone was 20.2.
20.2 in (nmol/L) units ?
Testosterone was 20.2 and
Testosterone was 20.2 and looks like the unit was nmol/L. Nothing else was shown.
Reply
Actually the free testosterone should have been 0.398. The results are withing the normal range. Nothing to worry about, not unless you're under 25 years of age.
Sex Frequency
You recommended no sex for 2 months when suffering from sexual exaustion.
* Would it be ok to do it just once a week? (I just dont know if me (or) my wife could possibly stand a 2 week layoff...
* When the 2 months is up... how many times total sex + masturbation do you consider "too much" per week?
The reason I ask is: Let's pretend I go on a romantic vacation with my wife, and she wants to do it 2-3 times that day, only then once the next day, 3 times the next day, and so forth. Is it ok to have these "splurge periods" every so often.
Reply
If a proper HPAT axis functioning is observed, along with proper acetylcholine, serotonin, dopamine, and GABA levels there should be no problem to do it regularly. Once a week during a recovery period is not a great idea, maybe once per 2 weeks is better.
Too much is an individual feature, if you have the right biochemistry to support your activities you may make sex 10 times a week or more.
The idea of multiple orgasms in one session is very bad. It will fully deplete the seminal vesicles and will rapidly lead to sexual exhaustion.